Why can’t I just do it

My life has been messed up, love and loss.
But we all have that,  things go wrong,  words said, painfull but transient,
But what do we say when flesh is added.

You just can’t say sorry, I love you
That’s why I am where I  am.

I don’t know how to make it better. I’ve lost everything. 


Sometimes it’s nice to rest in another’s arms. It works both ways.
To give each other strength, calm and love.

It’s hard to give that up to lose that power when you feel powerless.
Just remembering those arms around you. Even when you feel helpless and knowing that strength is on the other side is priceless,

Sometimes words can’t say how we feel, it’s beyond emotions. But to lose that connection is well I don’t know how to discuss it.

Gentle readers treat those moments with respect or you may lose them

I just know what I want right now

I’m sad, I’m engulfed in grief.
I have so much to say and no one to say it to.
I’m alone with a twitchy keyboard and a hole In my heart that can’t heal.

What I want to say can’t be said,  it must be felt
I am sorry if I’m scaring anyone but it’s just how I feel

A talk with Auntie V

I had an out of the blue conversation with Auntie V tonight.  Was calming,  food based and about my home town and a new restaurant that is on a top ten list.

I’ve always felt accepted by her and her hugs and board games are awesome.  She is an amazing and important person in my life even if we only meet a few times a year.

She’s that auntie that everyone should have,  knock on the door out of the dark and be welcome in.

Thank you tonight auntie V.

Tonight you ment the world to me.

Catfood and sadness

I’ve never been this low before, yes I’ve smashed bottom a few times but not like this.
I’m wondering if I can climb out of this one,  or even if I should.

Yes my life has been a rocky jagged path. Full of highs and lows that most NORMAL people might laugh or sigh at. But this is something new.
Can’t eat can’t sleep, just one day after another of grief, guilt and shame.

I’ve been talking as we are supposed to do, my psychologist, my councillor and surprisingly even a priest. True friends.

But I can’t let it go, the pain, what I did.  That’s not me, or who I wanted to be.  I’ve changed so much, and fallen so far.

I don’t know why I’m even writing this except for myself. 
One moment that changes a life for life. That one regret I’ll never forget.  There will be no sleep in here tonight.

I’m sorry


Tomorrow is a new day as they say.

Tomorrow  I get my new place, whoo hoo.  Like fuck.

I’m here because I put myself  here.   

To those I hurt I can’t hurt myself enough

I tried I failed, beyond belief.

That does not and never will change the facts of what happened.

I stand responsible


Yes this post is about me, my mistakes.  And that’s ok
But it’s also about the pain we cause others.  This is not about redemption or absolution.

Pain is what I’ve been bringing to people for decades. The pain of my past, the pain of my fustration, the pain that I see looking at the r

Most know that I’ve been struggling, one day at a time and all that.  A person thinks they hide it all, warts, mistakes, mis taken staps.

I’ll be the first to admit I didn’t have much of a guide, but this is my path and I have to own it.

So on this path
It’s been a long road of wondering what I should do when faced with a hard decision.

For the last few years it’s been trying to take the gentle slower path, as I grew up only trying to go head first into most confrontational situations.
I’ve been working hard on just letting go.
And I’ve changed a great deal of who I am.

But the tricky thing is when  life deals you a shit hand.
Shit happens and the stress goes balistic.

That’s when I should have l let go, to relax.

But in a  night of insanity that all fell apart.

So how does that impact me,  I’m fucked up, struggling.

But this is not about me, the post is pain. Not mine

It’s about how I destroyed a working but fragile relationship.

How a recovering alchohic laid hands on the one thing he respected and loved.

This pain is not mine, but I created it.  The pain I have is mine alone.