I have learned a lot about myself in the few years I have been single by my own accord. One of the things I have come to realize most people would have seen plain as day but being in the center of the storm I never realized.
I have always had this self image of myself as a cheerful person, always willing to extend a hand out to someone in need. And that I can say with all honesty is the person that I try to be today.
At my mothers funeral back home I was driving around my hometown on the lake. I saw this old woman struggling to make it ten feet. She was headed out of town. I stopped and called to her if she needed a ride. She instantly accepted, being from a small town we all help each other.
Well I took her for her smokes on the First Nations Reservation, then down town for milk and a few other things. Pink tuna for her cat, in water not in oil a few other groceries and I paid for the lot.
She asked every few moments between her labored breaths if she owed me money. Of course I said no, how could I ask her for money for a few dollars of groceries and some tins of tuna for her cat.
I dropped her off at her home and went to my Mothers wake which was very close by. I walked in feeling good about my deeds for the day and proceeded to tell my tale to my many cousins present. One cousin Wendy chirped up and imitated her perfectly. The wheeze in the breath and even the walk.
She laughed her ever loving ass off at me, apparently this woman from a nursing home had been running this scam for a long time. Hell I didn’t know. I could have gotten all pissy about it but I was home close to my lakes and family. If the worst thing I did that week was help an old lady who couldn’t walk was the worst I did while saying good bye to my mother I could live with that.
But the Pendulum swings for us all, back home alone I find it difficult to find reason some days. I isolate, I know its not good for me. I don’t answer the phone, really please do text.
It’s life it’s hard and I have been thinking of a change of scenery. I go on I live life. I don’t dare take a partner if I am planning on leaving. Well at least in my head, I don’t know but I do know I am not the same man I was 10, 5, or even 3 years ago.
I still have hope that I can pull myself out of this desperate blackness, and then the manic days that follow. Anyone that knows me has seen this, I just wish you would have told me about it.