Small Town Car Culture and a Good Tape Deck.

My coming of age was in a very small town in Northwestern Ontario in (Gasp) the 1980s. Back in the stone age we didn’t have Twitter or Cell Phones, if we wanted to talk to someone we had two options pick the phone off the hook on the wall or go bang on their door.  Also our entertainment options were rather limited.  Growing up in a border town, we could go see a movie in the States if it suited us or make out with our girls in the single theater that my town had in Canada.

But most nights as soon as our pack of unruly teenagers got our driving license we spent our days and evenings much like the kids of American Graffiti. Cruising up and down the main drags of our town and trying to find girls or trying to find a place to pull off the main road to make out with the one we had in the passenger seat.

Most of us teens wanted bad ass cars to spend our money on, well because it was cool. Sadly the Trans Am I lusted after with a 400 High Output engine in it was not my fathers idea of safe or cool so he refused to co-sign a loan with me.  Instead I ended up with a Dodge Turismo 4 speed. Cheap to buy and cheaper than a 8 cylinder to keep in gas.

At the beginning I didn’t really like the little grey beast, but it was a two door hot hatch with a respectable 2.4 Liter engine. Once I got to know my little dragster I was kicking ass on the larger 8’s in a quarter mile being light and with a stick transmission.  I could hold my own on many of the larger cars in my town.

But now I come to the second part of my thesis, a kick ass tape deck. I saved my pennies working at McDonald’s and although I couldn’t afford a high end Alpine deck like some of my friends I in typical Bob fashion cobbled together a pretty sweet rig with a booster and 7 channel equalizer a good thumping sub in the hatch and sharp tweeters in the dash with mid-range in the passenger seats. I figured if they couldn’t hear my engine coming down the road they bloody well better be able to hear my stereo.

I can still remember finally getting everything assembled and the first tape I put in the deck was Beverly Hill’s Cop 2.  Shakedown thumped from every fiber of my being and I felt like I had accomplished something.  My friend Darren who also had a low slung hot hatch Ford EXP could out handle me in the turns by a mile but my bigger engine was always faster.

God I long for those days again when all we worried about was a fiver for gas to cruise up and down in our little town.


Hello my friends, I bave one word today.  YUCK

We Canadioans are used to snow, and today is no different but like a kiss this is a wet sloppy fucking mess.  no one likes that. All tongue and no technique. The kinda slobber that you would expect from a dog or Trump.

Yikes did I say that, yep i guess I did.

YUCK just go away already.

Pendulum always swings.

I have learned a lot about myself in the few years I have been single by my own accord.  One of the things I have come to realize most people would have seen plain as day but being in the center of the storm I never realized.

I have always had this self image of myself as a cheerful person, always willing to extend a hand out to someone in need.  And that I can say with all honesty is the person that I try to be today.

At my mothers funeral back home I was driving around my hometown on the lake. I saw this old woman struggling to make it ten feet. She was headed out of town. I stopped and called to her if she needed a ride. She instantly accepted, being from a small town we all help each other.

Well I took her for her smokes on the First Nations Reservation, then down town for milk and a few other things. Pink tuna for her cat, in water not in oil a few other groceries and I paid for the lot.

She asked every few moments between her labored breaths if she owed me money. Of course I said no, how could I ask her for money for a few dollars of groceries and some tins of tuna for her cat.

I dropped her off at her home and went to my Mothers wake which was very close by.  I walked in feeling good about my deeds for the day and proceeded to tell my tale to my many cousins present.  One cousin Wendy chirped up and imitated her perfectly. The wheeze in the breath and even the walk.

She laughed her ever loving ass off at me, apparently this woman from a nursing home had been running this scam for a long time.  Hell I didn’t know.  I could have gotten all pissy about it but I was home close to my lakes and family. If the worst thing I did that week was help an old lady who couldn’t walk was the worst I did while saying good bye to my mother I could live with that.

But the Pendulum swings for us all, back home alone I find it difficult to find reason some days. I isolate, I know its not good for me.  I don’t answer the phone, really please do text.

It’s life it’s hard and I have been thinking of a change of scenery.  I go on I live life.  I don’t dare take a partner if I am planning on leaving. Well at least in my head, I don’t know but I do know I am not the same man I was 10, 5, or even 3 years ago.

I still have hope that I can pull myself out of this desperate blackness, and then the manic days that follow. Anyone that knows me has seen this, I just wish you would have told me about it.




Tic Tic Tic

Is it just me or does every person who suffers with anxiety and depression. The two go hand in hand in my experience. Have an obsessive clock watching component?

I am always counting down to something, morning, work, appointments.  It is fucking exhausting and futile. If any of you see me out and about with out a watch and I am not on vacation RUN.

I have come to find that my time obsession and anxiety are evil partners. Unless I am in extremely comfortable circumstances.  I try to refuse to be late, I always try to leave early.  Much to the consternation of my previous partners.

When on the odd occasion I puff reefer I tend to get worse, I can recall having a puff or two before a concert and my lady friend and I were in a bar not 5 minutes away trying to enjoy a beverage.  I was getting extremely agitated that we would be late.  We had PLENTY of time to get to the venue but still my mind went to check constantly the time. Long short of it, we made it in plenty of time and Crosby Stills Nash were great!

But even when I am church straight I am always checking my time. Tonight I am trying to enjoy a program but it gets past 10 and I go in to counting down mode.  How much sleep do I need, how many hours are left. I dunno it’s just the way my fucked up brain works.

If any of you have similar issues I can really relate.

Love you all




The Hardest Speach I have ever given.

I have spoken about loss, so so many times here.  The loss of a pet, the loss of a friendship, the loss of a love. The crushing loss of someone who I thought could be more.

But these all pale in my eyes and in my soul to the loss of my Mother. I honestly never thought that a death would impact me this way.  As you should know by now I was adopted at 6 months, I had a great childhood running around causing havoc with my little brother. But even then there were parts of my life missing. Things I can not explain an empty feeling, not feeling unloved at all but just missing a piece of ME.

For years my mother held my world together, I was at best a struggle for her, with my brother.  Two young boys always fighting and playing and getting into mischief. But then as I hit my teen years I started to pull away, as teens do.Getting into trouble and in one case being arrested for a petty break in because I was bored.  Small town nothing to do.

But as I grew in life Mom still surprisingly had my back, she supported me in all my endeavors to the best of my family abilities.  I attended University and did well towards earning a degree in Psychology until, and I hate to say it Brent had his accident.

This will always be a turning point in my life, my little brother injured in a swimming pool accident to being stuck in a wheelchair.  Priories had to change and they did. I don’t blame anyone but it is what it is.

The truth as I see it was mom was always a caregiver, she gave till it hurt. I remember her saying she couldn’t go on after Brent. The only time I ever saw her totally break down completely was at Brent’s apartment after  he had passed. This broke her, but to make steel you have to break iron.

I have so many thoughts right now, thank you all.