Pendulum always swings.

I have learned a lot about myself in the few years I have been single by my own accord.  One of the things I have come to realize most people would have seen plain as day but being in the center of the storm I never realized.

I have always had this self image of myself as a cheerful person, always willing to extend a hand out to someone in need.  And that I can say with all honesty is the person that I try to be today.

At my mothers funeral back home I was driving around my hometown on the lake. I saw this old woman struggling to make it ten feet. She was headed out of town. I stopped and called to her if she needed a ride. She instantly accepted, being from a small town we all help each other.

Well I took her for her smokes on the First Nations Reservation, then down town for milk and a few other things. Pink tuna for her cat, in water not in oil a few other groceries and I paid for the lot.

She asked every few moments between her labored breaths if she owed me money. Of course I said no, how could I ask her for money for a few dollars of groceries and some tins of tuna for her cat.

I dropped her off at her home and went to my Mothers wake which was very close by.  I walked in feeling good about my deeds for the day and proceeded to tell my tale to my many cousins present.  One cousin Wendy chirped up and imitated her perfectly. The wheeze in the breath and even the walk.

She laughed her ever loving ass off at me, apparently this woman from a nursing home had been running this scam for a long time.  Hell I didn’t know.  I could have gotten all pissy about it but I was home close to my lakes and family. If the worst thing I did that week was help an old lady who couldn’t walk was the worst I did while saying good bye to my mother I could live with that.

But the Pendulum swings for us all, back home alone I find it difficult to find reason some days. I isolate, I know its not good for me.  I don’t answer the phone, really please do text.

It’s life it’s hard and I have been thinking of a change of scenery.  I go on I live life.  I don’t dare take a partner if I am planning on leaving. Well at least in my head, I don’t know but I do know I am not the same man I was 10, 5, or even 3 years ago.

I still have hope that I can pull myself out of this desperate blackness, and then the manic days that follow. Anyone that knows me has seen this, I just wish you would have told me about it.




Tic Tic Tic

Is it just me or does every person who suffers with anxiety and depression. The two go hand in hand in my experience. Have an obsessive clock watching component?

I am always counting down to something, morning, work, appointments.  It is fucking exhausting and futile. If any of you see me out and about with out a watch and I am not on vacation RUN.

I have come to find that my time obsession and anxiety are evil partners. Unless I am in extremely comfortable circumstances.  I try to refuse to be late, I always try to leave early.  Much to the consternation of my previous partners.

When on the odd occasion I puff reefer I tend to get worse, I can recall having a puff or two before a concert and my lady friend and I were in a bar not 5 minutes away trying to enjoy a beverage.  I was getting extremely agitated that we would be late.  We had PLENTY of time to get to the venue but still my mind went to check constantly the time. Long short of it, we made it in plenty of time and Crosby Stills Nash were great!

But even when I am church straight I am always checking my time. Tonight I am trying to enjoy a program but it gets past 10 and I go in to counting down mode.  How much sleep do I need, how many hours are left. I dunno it’s just the way my fucked up brain works.

If any of you have similar issues I can really relate.

Love you all




The Hardest Speach I have ever given.

I have spoken about loss, so so many times here.  The loss of a pet, the loss of a friendship, the loss of a love. The crushing loss of someone who I thought could be more.

But these all pale in my eyes and in my soul to the loss of my Mother. I honestly never thought that a death would impact me this way.  As you should know by now I was adopted at 6 months, I had a great childhood running around causing havoc with my little brother. But even then there were parts of my life missing. Things I can not explain an empty feeling, not feeling unloved at all but just missing a piece of ME.

For years my mother held my world together, I was at best a struggle for her, with my brother.  Two young boys always fighting and playing and getting into mischief. But then as I hit my teen years I started to pull away, as teens do.Getting into trouble and in one case being arrested for a petty break in because I was bored.  Small town nothing to do.

But as I grew in life Mom still surprisingly had my back, she supported me in all my endeavors to the best of my family abilities.  I attended University and did well towards earning a degree in Psychology until, and I hate to say it Brent had his accident.

This will always be a turning point in my life, my little brother injured in a swimming pool accident to being stuck in a wheelchair.  Priories had to change and they did. I don’t blame anyone but it is what it is.

The truth as I see it was mom was always a caregiver, she gave till it hurt. I remember her saying she couldn’t go on after Brent. The only time I ever saw her totally break down completely was at Brent’s apartment after  he had passed. This broke her, but to make steel you have to break iron.

I have so many thoughts right now, thank you all.

Happy Fishing on Rainy Lake

Its hard to lose a family member and it is monumental to lose a mother.

I have been tapped to to give my moms eulogy. I have done this before for cousins, uncle, brother.  But fuck my mother.  I don’t know if i have it in me.

I do not do drafts of a speech or a talk I go in with ideas and feel the room.  But this is different.  Yes its just a death ive been there.

But this is my mom.  The one and only person I could count on.  Its fucking hard to just let go.  I am just scared about the speach


Goodbye Mom, I Love You.

It is hard being a kid, full stop.  It is hard growing up and trying to figure out who you are.  But imagine for a second not knowing your own birth mother like many of us can, because we were adopted.

I never knew my birth mother, I was adopted at the age of 6 months by my parents.  Apparently I was and instant hit. I had stuffed animals coming out of my tiny wazoo.  This is not an affront to my birth mother whom ever you are. This is a glorious celebration of who my parents and most specially my mother was.

Soon after I arrived my brother Brent showed up.  Something about having a baby in the house kicked hormones into high gear I guess.  My brother and I were holy terrors in our youth.  I remember I think Brent cracking eggs so mom would get off the phone and I remember trying to play Buggs Bunny chasing Brent down our back alley with an axe till one of our neighbors stopped me.

Given the fact that we must have made mom absolutely crazy being boys she was actually very kind with us. I remember the wooden spoon coming out a few times but I don’t actually remember being hit on the bum with that particular weapon. Even though Brent took a match to it and tried to burn it in half.

One of my happiest kinda memories is swimming in a mud filled ditch after a rainstorm.  I do have photographic documentation but sadly I do not have a digital picture of the moment we were caught.  Mom was putting away groceries and I apparently decided to take my younger brother swimming in a rain filled ditch.  She was furious from what I recall, but silly enough to take pictures of her boys in a mud puddle.  My brother was almost crying.  He was so upset.  Anyway she stripped us down to nothing and gave us a spray with the garden hose.  It was the 70’s after all. Child care tended to be a bit more free range back in those days.

I remember going fishing in very simple boats on the huge Rainy Lake with Mom and Dad. For some reason Brent always caught the first fish normally so we would stick at that honey hole. Mom always used a very simple reel and black line.  Us boys had casting reels and monofilament.  Damn if she didn’t out catch us most of the time. Pulling the line out by hand, getting some sun and most times reading a book pulling in Walleyes.

She was the same at the beach as Brent and I swam in the shallows, lawn chair, tanning, reading a trashy novel.  But we did learn to swim and swim well.  I never feared drowning and never did Brent till his day.

I know I love my Dad in Heaven, but I will always probably miss my Mother more.  She was always there.  She scolded me when I was bad, she fixed me when I was hurt.  She mourned and wailed at my baby brothers death.

I talk about the old days, but there were new days also.  She moved to Windsor to live with my Sister and Brother in Law and eventually my Niece.  I know she loved them all and the little feet running around again.  Calling Amma, Amma do this with me. Come with me.  I sadly missed a great deal of time with my own daughter do to BS and Hate. But my niece Keeliegh fills me up with happy as I know she did with Amma.

There is literally so much I could go on about but Mom gave me the intelligence to want to learn, the drive to tell truth from fiction, and the basic need to be good to our fellow people.

I owe you so much mom, I am finally crying .

Love Bobby