This is not a blog post I wanted to write: The joys of living with depression.


Life is a funny thing, sometimes we go on with our lives and constantly pass judgement on people and things whether we mean to or not. For people such as myself it turns out that the thing I judge regardless of the situation is me.

That’s pretty normal as people go but in some people such as myself those self condemning voices are almost impossible to shut off or ignore.  Those little “Brain Weasels” are relentless actively trying to undermine you at every turn.  Whispering that you are worthless, you’re all alone in the world, nobody loves you.  Just get it over with and kill yourself already.  Sometimes it’s hard to get though the day when your own brain is trying to kill you on a regular basis.

But there’s more gentle reader, I wouldn’t leave out the best part.  Imagine for a minute or two that you are a cell phone.  Your owner forgot to charge you up overnight so you wake up, if you’ve slept at all, drained of all available energy. Feeling like there is a huge weight on you constantly.  It’s really hard to describe, Winston Churchill used to call them his Black Dog.  It’s when literally nothing matters anymore, not eating, not bathing, just the desire to be empty.

That’s when the weasels can really get dangerous because you really start to believe what they are saying. Waking up and finding a knife on your night table with no recollection on how it got there or what you were planning on doing with it.  Hands shaking like you have some mutant type of palsy when you try to do anything.  Maybe sometimes getting out of bed and try to take your medication without pills going across the room from the tremors in your hands.  Sounds like fun doesn’t it.

Now imagine that going on for the better part of a week, living like some recluse vampire hiding away from the world. Hoping, nay praying that you’ll start to come out of it. Maybe if your lucky you’ll be able to contact your support system if you are lucky enough to have one to help keep you afloat until the meds start to work again or your brain decides it wants to be normal again.

Now think of your family and your friends, what are they thinking about you while your presumably off work again hiding in your cave.  It’s very easy to let those little fucker Brain Weasels in again.  Ohhh.  What are people saying behind your back, they probably think your sleeping one-off.  A little glug glug problem eh.  Let me share a little secret with you, if your like me and in one of those seemingly inescapable pits of utter despair an loneliness drinking is absolutely the last thing you want to do.  In fact in my case my depression really started to kick in hardcore when I actively stopped drinking.  I guess my drinking was numbing me to a point where the depression, anxiety and panic were non-issues.  Funny eh?

What about your finances, are bill collectors seemingly always calling? Getting those infamous red letters in the mail? Facing Eviction?  Well that’s all part and parcel of living with mental illness.  Now I know a lot of you out there are sneering and saying just get off your ass and get cheerful.  Well friend it doesn’t work that way, as anyone suffering with depression and anxiety will tell you.  There is nothing we would like more than to be able to snap out of it in an instant.

Luckily I don’t feel the need to self harm as a stress relief, cutting one’s self, pulling out wads of hair and biting nails to the bleeding point are fine examples of anxious depressive behavior.

I’ve started a Go Fund Me campaign, as I am facing dire financial straits.  If you feel that you have a little to give to help your author get through the month. Even a few dollars from a bunch of people would make a huge difference.  If you don’t have the resources to share with me at this time please share the link below.

I would like to thank my support system that helped me through my ups and downs of the last year. You know who you are and your kindness touches me every day.

Donate if you can.

https://www.gofundme.com/help-bahb

 

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