Sometimes I’m afraid to sleep


As a person with substance issues it’s always hard when life gets a bit rocky or if you’ve just driven over a fucking ciff.
People like me don’t like sleep it’s not natural. Sleeping  is something I’ve always wanted, even as a kid I fought sleep.
I was the sqirirmy kid with too much energy.  When  I slept I crashed even then.

I became that moody teenager, the one my brother and sister gave a wide birth.
What happened  in between  now and  then is a very long sad and confused story because I sometimes don’t remember it all.
Flash forward to today car in flames, everything that I loved wanted and needed gone.
I imagine everyone  around  this sad story has more sleep then they got and for that I’m sorry.

I have a hard time getting down to sleep , I fear the terrors that come when I close my mind.  I try everything I can do to calm myself,
I went to an acupuncture session today in a group setting at Klinic.  We are coached to relax and just let go of emotions. To just be one with our breathing.
I found very hard to slip into calm today but when I did I was pummeled with all I can say were full body hallucinations.  Remember this is in a clinical setting not sitting on a couch at a buddy’s place smoking a Joint .

I’m trying to awaken my mind and my spirit that I know is in me but I keep stuffing down.  Expecially after my lapse and disaster.

But now it’s just trying to stay away from things at night that will come eventually but I know will eventually fade away.

The first steps  after loss are always the hardest.  But I’m getting there, even if I stumble and fall from time to time.
I’ve learned too much about myself and have changed a great deal. Not that I’m clutching  a gold medal, I know the work must go on day after day and it’s getting better  and I’m not losing sight of that.

I have very very hard days ahead and I’m prepared to face them honestly and without blame on anyone other than myself. There of course always circumstances that lead to a point.  People influence action, or sometimes inaction.  But regardless I’m ashamed for this and believe me my pain goes deep as does all it affected.

I await the terrors in the night  because it means I’m moving forward.

I love you all

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